Combating the Repatriation Blues

我家中的每位成员一直都在同对北京的思念作斗争。在中国度过3年半以后回到美国已有将近3个月，我们一家人的工作和学习都安定下来，基本上大家也都干得不错。但忧伤情绪还是悄然来袭。孩子们的忧伤来自对朋友的思念。而对我和妻子来说，除了想念朋友，我们还意识到日常生活并不是那么让人兴奋。我想知道这种有点姗姗来迟的忧伤情绪是不是普遍现象，于是联络了十几位曾经旅居国外跟我通过信的朋友，还有两位过渡与回国方面的专家。他们的答案很明确：这一切都在意料之中。此外，最终结果表明跟理解我们感受的朋友联系帮助很大；我们相当于一起进行了虚拟治疗。有几位读者曾写信给我，推荐了斯托尔蒂(Craig Storti)的《回家》(The Art of Coming Home)一书，我觉得这本书对我很有帮助，尤其是我从中确认自己的许多经历都是普遍之事。这种感觉就像读育儿指南；了解到其他的4岁孩子也会脚踢老爸的要害以及拒绝换内衣，你就会意识到自家孩子并不是反社会分子。我跟斯托尔蒂通电话时，他首先说的就是：“大多数人都觉得回家之后的过渡过程比出国还要难。”他说，但这个事实常常被忽略。斯托尔蒂有一家咨询公司，为旅居国外者提供建议，他估计向他寻求建议的归国者与外派出国者的比例为1:25。他说，回国生活的一大难点在于，没经历过的人都觉得不会有什么难的，所有人都认为，回家肯定是轻松不过的事，因此也就没有支持归国者的社会网络。我们在北京生活的最后一年中，8岁的埃里(Eli)大部分时间都在说他有多讨厌中国，等不及要回到美国去。昨天晚上，他想念着在中国的好朋友，几乎是哭着睡着的。他跟我说，我其实不讨厌中国，我只是太想家了，但现在……现在他真的很想念中国。11岁的雅各布(Jacob)最近弄丢了一顶在他以前上学的北京德威国际学校(Dulwich College)时的滑雪帽，那会儿他简直要崩溃了。显然，他的情绪跟那顶帽子本身没太大关系，完全是因为那顶帽子对他来说意义重大。他们也都知道我跟他们的感受一样，虽然我尽力摆出一幅乐观积极的样子。不久前，5岁的安娜(Anna)辛辛苦苦地画了两张画。一张是狮子在树林里漫步，另一张是她和妈妈在长城上。她问我最喜欢哪张。Anna Paul作者5岁的小女儿安娜的涂鸦我选了长城那张，但她对我的看法不屑一顾。她说，你只是想念北京了。没错，我是发现自己沉浸在思念中，大到我的乐队和朋友，小到我喜欢去购物的当地市场和附近村里那个我经常去吃饭的小面馆。《“第三文化”小孩》(Third Culture Kids)的作者之一雷肯(Ruth van Reken)说，如果经历过正常的过渡阶段你就会知道，离家的阶段你还对未来有所期望，并不会十分失落，当你回到原来的地方安定下来时才会有失落感。但这种失落感不为人知；你很喜欢一个地方，但现在已经远在天边，你怎么解释这种失落？这就是无法释怀的悲伤之所以是成年后的第三文化小孩以及旅居国外的大人的头号长期问题的原因所在。每次过渡都会有失落……虽然也有收获。我的确发现自己现在的失落感比出国的时候更深。在北京的时候，美国的亲友会问我想不想家，我说没什么的时候他们还常常不相信。我会想念某些人或者某些地方，有时这种思念十分深切，但我从未有过严重的失落感，因为我知道过去的生活并非一去不返；它只是暂时中断，我还会回到那样的生活中，正如我现在这样。这中间的区别就像是跟与你定终身的人远距离谈恋爱和与你认为是你真心所系的某个人分手。在前一种情况下，你有时候会很难过，但你知道彼此之间的关系很牢固，一段时间后你们就可以重新在一起了，而后一种情况则会造成永远无法释怀的伤心。事实上，我所联系到的所有曾经在国外生活的人都有同样的感觉，而且大多数人都说他们是在回国后过了几个月才开始有这种感受的。哈佛大学四年级学生理查兹(Allegra Richards)说，搬到一个新地方或回到以前的家中那种最初的兴奋感逐渐消失后，调整适应的艰难过程就开始了。她出生于纽约，但大部分时间在瑞士和莫斯科长大，她的家人现在仍住在莫斯科。她说，对新地方感到兴奋的“蜜月期”有长有短，但伤心和怀旧情绪通常会在开头的六个月内降临。回国的人可以为回家后会经历的一些重大打击做些准备，但常常是你预料不到的事情会让你产生最难应付的伤心情绪－－你无法预料你所离开的那个地方会有什么不起眼的东西最让你牵肠挂肚。我从许多人那里都听到了同样的观点，这些人有男有女，在过去20年中都曾有过一次或多次外派后回国的经历。雷普利(Tom Ripley)跟妻子和两个孩子在伦敦生活了三年后回到旧金山，他说，我们一家人的失落感非常强烈。那已经是1996年的事了，但他现在回忆起当时重新调整的痛苦还历历在目。他说，开头几个月还好，因为他们为搬家之后从头开始做了必要的准备。雷普利说，但过了几个月以后，我们就开始觉得自己被困在了本以为已经抛诸身后的生活方式中。这种感觉在很大程度上在于我们意识到自己回到了熟悉的环境，没有在国外生活时那种无处不在的新鲜感了。我跟妻子至少用了一年时间才适应。我的朋友鲁德曼(Jim Ruderman)差不多跟我们同时离开北京，回到了纽约，现在正努力在经济极度低迷之际振兴一家企业，他也经历了跟我们一样的痛苦。在北京的时候总是能感受到新的挑战带来的兴奋感，不知道后面等着你的会是什么，这种状况让他时刻保持敏锐。但回到将近五年前离开的地方，他觉得似乎一点变化都没有，现在他正极力想办法保持自己的锐气。他说他遇到的困难更大，因为他是随同妻子回国的，他很满意自己在北京的工作，但还没做出什么成绩就不得不离开了，现在又要在这辈子经历过的最严重的经济低迷之际重新去找工作。他说，由于之前已经有过这种经历（曾经在巴黎墨西哥城和北京生活过），我们知道自己会在一段时间里经历情绪的起伏，实际情况也的确如此。我们这些曾经在国外生活过的人都有共鸣，但我注意到还有另外一种趋势贯穿我们对话的始终：我们都没有遗憾，而且明白只有真心喜爱的东西才会为之伤心。Alan Paul（编者按：本文作者Alan Paul是《吉他世界》(Guitar World)的高级编辑，同时也为美国篮球杂志《灌篮》(Slam)撰写文章。因妻子工作需要，他于2005年举家从美国新泽西州迁往中国。2008年底，外派工作结束，Alan Paul一家返回新泽西。他的电子邮件是[e-mail]。）


Everyone in my family has been battling the Beijing blues. Back in the U.S. for almost three months after three and a half years in China, we've settled down in school and work, and we are all basically doing fine. But sadness is creeping in.For the kids, it's about missing friends. For my wife and I, it's that, plus the realization that day-to-day life just isn't quite as exciting.Wondering if this somewhat delayed onset of sadness is typical, I contacted almost a dozen former expats with whom I have corresponded and two experts on transition and repatriation. The clear answer was that all of this is to be expected. Furthermore, it turns out that simply making contact with other people who understand what we're going through helps a lot; we all shared a virtual therapy session.Several readers had written me to recommend Craig Storti's book The Art of Coming Home, which I have found helpful particularly for identifying that much of what I'm experiencing is quite standard. It's like reading parenting guidebooks; learning that other 4-year-olds kick their fathers in the groin and refuse to change their underwear helps you realize your kid isn't actually a sociopath.When I spoke with Mr. Storti on the phone, one of the first things he said was, 'Most people find coming home to be a more difficult transition than going abroad.'Yet this reality is often overlooked, he said. Mr. Storti has a consulting business, advising expats, and he estimates that he gets hired to work with returnees once for every 25 times he deals with people shipping out on assignment.'One of the difficulties of returning is that no one who hasn't done it expects it to be difficult,' he said. 'Everyone thinks it must be easy to come home so the support network is not there.'Eight-year-old Eli spent much of our last year in Beijing talking about how much he hated China and couldn't wait to get back to America. Last night, he virtually cried himself to sleep thinking about his best friends in Beijing. 'I didn't really hate China,' he told me. 'I just really missed here. But now...'Now he really misses China.Eleven-year-old Jacob completely fell apart when he recently lost a ski cap from Dulwich College of Beijing, his old school. Clearly, his emotions had little to do with the hat itself and everything to do with what it represented to him.And they all know that I share their feelings, despite my best efforts to present a positive face. Recently, 5-year-old Anna worked diligently on two pieces of art. The first was a forest with a lion stalking between the trees. The second showed her and her mother on the Great Wall. 'Which one do you like best?' she asked.I chose the Wall, but she brushed off my opinion. 'You just miss Beijing,' she said.It's true that I have found myself overcome with longing, both for big things like my band and my friends, and for small things like the local market where I liked to shop and the little noodle restaurant in a nearby village where I often dined.'If you go through the normal stages of transition, the leaving phase is still when you are looking ahead and not really dealing with the loss, which hits you when you get back and begin to settle in,' says Ruth van Reken, co-author of Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds. 'But the losses are hidden; how do you explain this loss of a world you quite enjoyed but is now gone? This is why unresolved grief is the number one long-term issue for adult TCKS, as well as many adult expats. Every transition involves loss... even when there is gain.'I have certainly found myself carrying a heavier sense of loss here than I ever did there. During my stay in Beijing, people in the U.S. would ask me about missing home and often didn't believe me when I said it wasn't a problem. I longed for specific people or places, sometimes profoundly, but I never had a deep sense of loss, simply because I knew that my old existence wasn't gone forever; it was on hold and I would be returning to it, as I now have.It is like the difference between having a long-distance relationship with someone to whom you are committed and breaking up with someone you thought was your true love. In the first case, you have tough moments but know the bond is solid and you will be together again soon enough, while the second can produce the kind of heartbreak that simmers around the edges forever.Virtually all of the ex-expats with whom I spoke have had the same feelings and most also said that they began to set in several months after their return.'The struggle to adjust really begins when the initial high of moving to a new place or back to an old home wears off,' says Allegra Richards. Now a senior at Harvard, Ms. Richards was born in New York, but mostly grew up in Switzerland and Moscow, where her family still resides.'The duration of the honeymoon period varies, but generally the wave of sadness and nostalgia hits during the first six months. There are things a repatriating citizen can do to anticipate the major shocks of returning home. But it is often the things you can't expect that make the sadness most difficult to deal with -- you can't anticipate the little things you will miss the most from the place you left behind.'I heard similar views from a range of men and women who have repatriated once or more over the last 20 years.'The family sense of loss was very acute,' says Tom Ripley, who returned to San Francisco with his wife and two children after three years in London. That was in 1996, but he still vividly recalls the struggle to readjust. The first couple of months were fine, he says, as they took the steps needed to get restarted after any move.'After that, however, we began to feel like we were locked into a lifestyle that we thought we had moved beyond,' he says. 'Most of this had to do with the realization that we were now back in familiar surroundings and were not experiencing the sense of newness that had been part of our daily lives. It took my wife and I at least a year to work through this.'My friend Jim Ruderman, who left Beijing to return to metro New York around the same time we did and is resurrecting a business during a deep economic downturn, has gone through similar travails. The constant excitement of new challenges and not knowing what was around the next corner in Beijing -- both literally and figuratively -- kept him sharp. Now he's trying to figure out how to maintain that edge after returning to the place he left almost five years ago and feeling as if absolutely nothing has changed. He says his challenge 'is magnified because I returned as a trailing spouse, reluctantly leaving behind a very satisfying job in Beijing before I was able to accomplish everything I wanted to do there, and I'm re-entering the job market during the deepest downturn of our lifetimes.''As we've done this before (we have lived in Paris, Mexico City and Beijing), we expect to experience emotional ups and downs for a time, and we do,' he said.All of us ex-expats can relate, but I noted another current running through our conversations: a lack of regret and an understanding that you only grieve for something you loved.Alan Paul