english joke

Let me take it down

An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."

为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”

“请 再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。


An old soldier often told his garden about his past war exploits.
"Once I met with a dozen enemy sol-diers and took them prisoners singlehand-ed."
"It was half a dozen enemy soldiers when you told me the story last year.But why have you added so many more this time?"
"You silly lad.You were younger last year,and I was afraid to frighten you."



While wisiting the cemetery,a sorrowful couple noticed a headstone,which read,"here lies a lawyer and a honest nan"."look at that",the woman said,"money's so tight they're putting then two in a grave."

Lawyer Jokes :

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."

__________________________________

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

__________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

_________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
__________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


A:Nice to meet you.
B:Nice to meet you,too.
C:Nice to meet you,three.


An Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

An old soldier often told his garden about his past war exploits.
"Once I met with a dozen enemy sol-diers and took them prisoners singlehand-ed."
"It was half a dozen enemy soldiers when you told me the story last year.But why have you added so many more this time?"
"You silly lad.You were younger last year,and I was afraid to frighten you

BUYING A HAT
A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one. Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: "An excellent choice, madam. You look at least ten years younger with this hat on!" To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: "I don't want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off. Show me some more hats!"


I'M NOT HAVING IT ALL CUT OFF.
Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.
"Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time."
"Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time."
"Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time."
"Yes, sir, that's quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I'm not having it all cut off."


But the teacher cried
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"



The difference between men and women
Jock was driving up a steep, narrow, tortuous, Scottish mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road in the opposite direction.
As they pass each other the woman leant out the window and shouted: "PIG!!"
Jock immediately leant out his window and replied with "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, but as Jock rounded the next corner he ran into a pig in the middle of the road....


The Clock
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where is Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He is using it as a ceiling fan."


One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result."
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"

In the morning Mr.Smith comes into the garden at the back of his house. He sees much snow(雪) in the garden.Mr.Smith wants to take his car out, so he asks a man to clean the road from his garage(车库)to the gate(大门). He says to the man,”Don't throw any snow on that side. It will damage(损坏) flowers in the street, or the policeman will come.”Then he goes out.
When he comes back, the road is clean.There is no snow on the flowers, on the wall or in the street. But when he open the garage, he sees the garage is full of snow(被雪充满), the snow from the road, and his car is under the snow!

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."