幽默滑稽 joke

A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor, 
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!" 
一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害."医生说:"我怕他已经死了."听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着."妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多." 

The busis very crowded.Aman tries to get on,but no one gives way to him.
"Hey,let me get on the bus."the man shouts.
"It's too crowded.You'd better take the next bus."a passenger says to him.
"But you can't go withou me.I'm the driver."the man says.
公共汽车上很拥挤.一位男士想上车,但是没有人给他让路.
"喂,让我上车!"那位男士喊道.
"车太挤了,你最好坐下一辆"车上的一位乘客对他说.
"但是没有我你们走不了.我是司机!"那位男士说道. 

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." 
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” 

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。 

A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor, 



Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!" 

一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害."医生说:"我怕他已经死了."听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着."妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多." 
没事偷着乐 职业赌徒
    During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
    The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
    The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
    "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
    The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
    "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
    "Like what?" asked the bartender.
    "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
    The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
    So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
    "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
    The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
    "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
    "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
    With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.
    After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
    The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
    The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
    The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
    The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
    爱的罗曼史
    A Little Nuts About Love
    Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. "Why the new sign?" I asked. "My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts" 
    Check Out a Romance
    I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books. After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. "Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will have to do," and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read "NOT FOR CIRCULATION."
    Sweet Nothings 
    My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, "I just used a regular 56K modem."
男人们的悖论
    We guys always hear the rules from ... 我们男人总是听到自己女人制订的规则,以下是我们的规则。注意!所有的规则都被列为“第一”,这是有意的。
    #1 Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see ... 生日、情人节、以及周年纪念日,并不是用来验证我们是否会再给你们买最理想的节日礼物!
    #1 Sometimes we are not thinking ... 有时我们并没有想你们。将就着过吧。
    #1 Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on ... 想要什么就说。让我们清楚地知道你们想要什么。微妙的暗示没有用!强烈的暗示没有用!明显的暗示没有用!就是要说出来!
    #1 "Yes" or "No" is perfectly ... “是”和“不”几乎是回答一切问题的最佳答案。
    #1 If something we said could be ... 如果我们说过的话可以被解释成两种意思,而其中一种意思会使你悲伤或者愤怒,那么我们应该选取另一种“解释”。
    #1 We are not mind readers and we ... 我们不是你们肚子的蛔虫,永远都不是。我们不善于揣摩你们的心思,但这并不能证明我们对你们不够关心。
    #1 If you ask a question you ... 如果你们问了一个你们并不想得到答案的问题,那就得准备听到一个你们不想听到的回答。 阅读全文
    #1 If we ask what is wrong and ... 如果我们问你们怎么了,而你们说“没事”,那我们就会表现得好像没事一样。我们不是不知道你们在说谎,只是觉得不值得为此小题大做而已。
    #1 Thank you for reading this. Yes. I know. I have to ... 谢谢你们阅读此规则。是的,我们知道今晚我们得睡沙发,但是你们知道我们真的不在乎这个。睡沙发犹如露营。
大学生重写的圣经
    1. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
    2. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
    3. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
    4. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
    5. Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s e-mail to [e-mail].
    6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
    7. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
    8. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
    9. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
    10. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
    1. 最后的晚餐是第二天早上的冷饭。
    2. 十诫只有五条,排版时用大字体、双倍行距。
    3. 每两年出一套新版,以防有人倒卖。
    4. 禁果被偷吃的原因是那不是从食堂买的。
    5. 保罗给罗马人写的信成了保罗发到[e-mail]的e-mail。
    6. 该隐杀掉亚伯的原因:这俩人住一个宿舍。
    7. 世界末日的发生地:期末考场,而不是善恶大决战的战场。
    8. 删掉所有的骡子,改成山地自行车。
    9. 摩西和追随者在沙漠里走了40年的原因:他们不想因为问路显得像一群新生。

    10. 上帝并不是花六天创造了世界然后在第七天休息的,他一直拖到最后一天晚上才动手,熬了个通宵搞定 


Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? 
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow". 
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到? 
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行". 

.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.'

这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”


2.Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red?

Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight.

Mother: That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?

Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith.

妈妈：弗雷迪，你的脸为什么那么红？

弗雷迪：我刚才在大街上跑，为的是阻止一次打架？

妈妈：你做的对，谁和谁在打架。

弗雷迪：我和杰克·史密斯。 
 man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor, 
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!" 
一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害."医生说:"我怕他已经死了."听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着."妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多." 

The busis very crowded.Aman tries to get on,but no one gives way to him.
"Hey,let me get on the bus."the man shouts.
"It's too crowded.You'd better take the next bus."a passenger says to him.
"But you can't go withou me.I'm the driver."the man says.
公共汽车上很拥挤.一位男士想上车,但是没有人给他让路.
"喂,让我上车!"那位男士喊道.
"车太挤了,你最好坐下一辆"车上的一位乘客对他说.
"但是没有我你们走不了.我是司机!"那位男士说道. 

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." 
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” 

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。 
1,Two birls 

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? 

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. 

Teacher: Please tell us. 

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 

两只鸟 

老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 

老师：请说说看。 

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。 


2. The Fish Net 

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?" 

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl. 

鱼网 

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。 

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。 


3. The New Teacher 

George comes from school on the first of September. 

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother. 

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....." 

新老师 

9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。 

"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。 

"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。" 


4. A physics Examination 

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard. 

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls? 

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears. 

一次物理考试 

在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。 

这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？ 

尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。