女朋友吃我们家狗狗的醋，我觉着我可能很快要单身了

Today, I bought the girl I like a bouquet of roses saying "anonymous" on it, and left it on her front porch. She saw it, and called the guy she thought it was from. He said "you're welcome" and now they're going out. FML

楼主暗恋一个女孩儿，就买了一束玫瑰然后偷偷的放在她的门前，署名“默默地爱着你的”，然后她出来了，看到了花，于是打电话问一个她认为送花的，结果那哥们直接来了一句“你喜欢就好”，现在两个人手挽手逛街去了。FML



Today, I announced my pregnancy（n. 怀孕；丰富，多产；意义深长） to my parents and family. Everybody was happy, except for my dad, who totally freaked out and won't talk to me. The reason: he secretly hoped that I would break up with my husband, and now that we're expecting a baby he can't "get rid of him" anymore. FML

求助：爸爸看不上自己的男朋友，想让我们分手，我该咋办？ 最佳答案：关键位置得有人。楼主的爸爸不喜欢我的男朋友，于是我在最关键的位置安排了一个自己人，我现在怀孕了，希望我爸爸能开心。   FML



Today, after keeping myself awake coughing for 2 hours, I finally drifted off. My cat apparently thought I'd died, and gave me CPR. Now I have claw marks on my chest, and I'm still awake. FML

我们家喵星人解开封印了，卧槽，吓我一跳，今天不知咋的一只咳嗽，喘不过来气，结果我们家喵以为我要死了居然跳到我身上给我做心脏复苏，这特么的绝壁是一个喵星人的内奸（PS：喵星人的技术真心不咋地，现在我的胸前都是丫给我挠的爪子印）。FML



Today, my girlfriend got jealous because I wanted to adopt a puppy. FML

想买个狗，结果看到狗的时候我女朋友吃醋了，现在我的选择是做一只单身狗还是让这只狗继续单身。FML



Today, a girl I've been talking to for a couple of weeks invited me to go see a movie with her. I drive halfway across town to meet her, but 40 mins into a 3-hour long film however, she started obviously fake-coughing and got up left the theater completely. FML

我特么是遇到托儿了么？网友给判断下，前阵子从网上认识一姑娘，今天主动约我去看电影，老子穿越了大半个城市开车去把人接上，结果电影刚开始呢，这姑娘就干咳两声然后说出去一下就彻底走掉了，我是不是被人给涮了？现在有专门做电影票的托儿？   FML



Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put it outside. Unhappy with the situation, it leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML

擦，喵星人今天逆天了，我现在真的怀疑这货不是一只喵，今儿看到它想吐，怕把地板弄脏了就把丫放到屋子外面了，结果你猜怎么着？这个货自己偷偷的从我们家的厨房的窗户（厨房为了通风留了一条小缝）缝里面挤进来了，然后在我们的厨房里面到处吐，谁特么跟我说这只是一直喵我跟谁急。FML

原文地址：http://www.shitmylife.cn/subject/info/26