Telling Kids About Financial Woes

再怎么难以启齿再怎么不乐意，现在也是跟孩子们谈这事儿的时候了。我要谈的可不是什么关于性常识的问题，而是家里必须省着花钱了──要缩减开销以降低债务，要准备支付高出预期值的大学学费。我发现要跟我那两个孩子就此事交流还真是出乎意料地困难，他俩一个18岁一个21岁。从我收到的电子邮件和我博客TheJuggle.com上的评论来看，别的父母也在为这个事情而发愁。有些夫妇不知应该给孩子透露多少关于经济危机的情况，还有些不知道怎么跟孩子解释为什么老爹老妈突然要跟别人合开汽车了。Associated Press其实，我们再怎么煞费苦心对孩子隐瞒实情或者在他们面前粉饰太平，他们也还是能够察言观色，通过我们的一举一动和我们的情绪感知到真相。美国学校心理家学会（National Association of School Psychologists）会长拉尔夫·E.凯什（Ralph E. Cash）说：“跟孩子交谈时，不管是什么年龄段的孩子，你谈话的方式都比谈话的内容更重要。”就拿我来说吧，我一直觉得，要表达对孩子的爱，就得让他们过着优裕的生活。现在却要把这两者分开来，我更是觉得难以启齿了。专家认为这样的谈话要遵从六条原则。首先，必须向孩子说明家里的生活为何发生了改变，即便是很小的孩子也不例外。如果你不跟孩子说清楚情况以打消其疑虑，孩子尤其是年幼孩子容易往最坏处想。非赢利机构美国全国儿童悲伤心理研究会（National Childhood Grief Institute）创始人邓尼斯(德妮丝?帝?)·丹尼尔斯（Denise Daniels）说，7岁以下的孩子特别会“浮想联翩”，如果家里房子没了，他们可能就会想“我还会失去爸爸妈妈。”第二，告诉孩子实情时要言简意赅态度诚恳实事求是。父母的情绪是会影响到孩子的。俄亥俄威斯特贾斯特（Westchester）一位房产经纪人贝丝·麦克拉雷（Beth McClary）说，上周听说丈夫即将失业后，她“恐慌不已”。她去咨询了一位心理顾问，慢慢让自己的心情平静下来，她丈夫则着手寻找新工作。上周晚些时候他们终于坐下来，跟年纪分别为161412岁的三个儿子和一个暂住他们家里的17岁交换学生交谈，他们平静地宣布了这个消息，孩子们同样平静地接受了事实。第三，凯什博士说，从大背景来说事，说明家里现在面临的问题很“正常”。凯什博士说，对学龄前儿童，你可以这样说：“你知道为什么昨天你的好朋友强尼不能买霜淇淋吗？我们来讨论一下吧。”他说，念小学的孩子就能够理解“现在很多家庭都没有过去那么有钱了，我们也得想办法”省着花钱。至于再大点的孩子，家长的开场白可以是：“最近经济不景气，很多家庭都在想办法缩减开支。”让孩子提出问题，跟据他们的问题决定要跟他们讲到什么程度。还有一个建议是，让孩子，包括最年幼的孩子，一起来想办法解决问题。最近我参加了全国公共广播电台（National Public Radio）的一期节目，麻塞诸塞州莱克星顿（Lexington）一位元母亲打进电话，说她学龄前的女儿把她在Hello Kitty钱包里的钱全部倒在餐桌上，提出要用自己积攒的这些钱来帮助陷入困境的妈妈和爸爸，而且对此开心不已。最后，圣路易市华盛顿大学（Washington University in St. Louis）的作家兼资深顾问卡伦·列文·科本（Karen Levin Coburn）说，利用这次谈话向孩子强调什么东西是不会改变的──那就是，你最为注重的那些价值观。在这样的时候，孩子很乐意听到家长明确无误地说明“什么是真正重要的本质的东西”，这些东西包括一家人其乐融融，或确保孩子获得良好的教育。邓尼斯·芬尼利（Dennis Findley）住在弗吉尼亚州麦克林欧市（McLean），他那13岁的儿子迪尔曼（Tillman）似乎很理解父母取消去各处国家公园度假的决定。不过这位父亲说，几天之后，儿子还是说出了自己的担心。芬尼利回忆着儿子当时的话：“爸爸，你知道我不可能一直这么小，再过五年我就得去大学了。”他听出了儿子这番话背后的忧虑──他担心全家一起外出冒险的好时光不会再有了──于是赶忙安慰儿子说：他也很珍稀那样的好时光，他很快就能有办法让全家人继续外出冒险。他说：“遇到问题我是不会放手不管的。”要点跟孩子讨论家庭经济困难时：·言简意赅实事求是地说明情况；·说清楚这些问题都很正常，指出许多家庭经济都很紧张；·让孩子的提问来引导谈话；·让孩子一起来解决问题；·强调那些永远不会改变的真正重要的东西，比如家人的和睦相处。Sue Shellenbarger


As hard as it is, as much as I'd like to avoid it, it's time to have The Talk with my kids.I'm not talking about the birds and the bees. I'm talking about the need to cut spending -- to downsize my budget to reduce debt and gird for higher-than-expected college costs. I'm finding it surprisingly hard to communicate with my children, 18 and 21, about this. Based on my email and comments on our blog, TheJuggle.com, other parents are struggling too. Some spouses are fighting about how much to tell their children about financial setbacks. Others are just not saying why Daddy or Mommy has suddenly started driving the daily car pool.In truth, the information we're trying so hard to hide or dress up for our kids probably doesn't matter nearly as much to them as how they see us behaving and feeling. 'In conversations with kids of any age, how you say it is more important than what you say,' says Ralph E. Cash, president of the National Association of School Psychologists.In my own case, at least, providing well for my kids has gotten tangled up in my mind with showing my love for them. Separating the two is making The Talk harder.Experts agree on a half-dozen principles that should govern The Talk. First, changes in family patterns call for an explanation, even to very young children. In the absence of facts and reassurances, younger children in particular tend to imagine the worst. Those under 7 tend to be 'magical thinkers' and may assume that if they're losing their house, 'I'll also lose my parents too,' says Denise Daniels, founder of the National Childhood Grief Institute, a nonprofit.Second, present the facts briefly, honestly and in a matter-of-fact way. Children take their cues about how to feel from their parents. After Beth McClary, a Westchester, Ohio, real-estate agent, got word last week that her husband would be laid off, she 'was having panic attacks' at first, she says. She saw a counselor and took some time to calm down while her husband checked out a job prospect. By the time they sat down later in the week with their sons, 16, 14 and 12, and their exchange student, 17, they were able to deliver the news calmly and the boys received it in the same way.Third, 'normalize' your family's problems by putting them in a broader context, Dr. Cash says. To preschoolers, you might say, 'You know how your friend Johnny couldn't buy an ice cream yesterday? Let's talk about that,' Dr. Cash says. Elementary-school children could understand that 'lots of families have less money to spend right now. We have to find ways' to spend less, too, he says. With older children, parents can begin, 'In these tough economic times, a lot of families are figuring out ways to spend less.'Let your children's questions guide how much information you provide.Another suggestion is to involve the kids, even the smallest ones, in problem-solving. A mother from Lexington, Mass., who called into a National Public Radio show I took part in recently, said her preschooler was delighted to be able to empty her Hello Kitty wallet on the kitchen table, offering up her savings to help her beleaguered mom and dad.Finally, use The Talk as an opportunity to stress to your children what's not going to change -- that is, the values you care about most, says Karen Levin Coburn, an author and senior consultant at Washington University in St. Louis. In times like these, kids want to hear parents articulate 'the essence of what's really important,' such as having fun together as a family or ensuring that the kids get a good education.Dennis Findley's son Tillman, 13, seemed to understand his parents' recent decision to cancel a vacation touring national parks. But a couple of days later, the McLean, Va., father says the teen voiced his worries. 'Dad, you know I'm not going to be young forever. In five years I'm going to be gone' to college, Mr. Findley recalls his son saying. Hearing the fear behind Tillman's words -- that the family's time to share adventures would be lost -- Mr. Findley quickly reassured him: He prized those family expeditions, too, and soon enough he'd find a way to continue them. 'I'm not the type of person,' he says, 'to let those things slide.'Talking PointsWhen discussing money woes with your kids:Convey information in a brief, matter-of-fact wayNormalize problems, pointing out that many families are stressedBe guided by children's questionsInvolve children in solving problems togetherStress core values that won't change, such as family closenessSue Shellenbarger