When a Spouse's Career Is On The Rocks

最近，加州一位已为人妻的女士给我写信，谈到自己陷入了婚姻生活中最令人泄气的困难境地：如果你的另一半陷入职场危机，而你无论说什么做什么都似乎没有一点儿用的时候，你该怎么办？她的丈夫所处的行业目前正在滑坡，他屡次失业，薪水一降再降，最近这次减薪再次让他大受打击。他总保证说要“充电”改行，不过到头来却只是坐在家里，翻看职业指导书。这位妻子写道，我对他永无休止的白日梦和无所事事感到灰心，我是不是该闭上嘴，让他继续做梦，还是该尝试鼓励他或是给他泄泄气，还是……？还是什么？一个人的工作陷入死胡同时，他（她）的配偶往往会试图在职业问题上给出一大堆的建议。如果职业陷入困境的一方没能作出回应，就只会令婚姻关系紧张。这位配偶还在不佳职业选择带来的任何家庭财务问题上负担过重，加大了夫妻间的隔阂。很少有夫妻就工作相关的婚姻问题进行咨询，不过或许更多的人应该这么做。加州的那位女士对丈夫感到非常气愤和失望，她似乎已经失去了对他的尊重和感情。研究显示，当这种温暖的感觉受阻之后，婚姻可能会急转直下。华盛顿大学心理学名誉教授作家高特曼(John Gottman)发现，当夫妇间正面的交流（比如幽默和爱意）被负面交流（比如指责）掩盖的时候，婚姻破裂的可能性会大大增加。这样的例子越来越多。最近还有一位妻子告诉我，她的丈夫患上了职业倦怠症，想要退休，不过他们家负担不起让丈夫退休。这位妻子想方设法能有所帮助，她建议丈夫参加额外的培训或是转行。不过她的丈夫并没有接受她的建议，反而只是不断向她诉苦，这让她感到越来越厌烦。我还知道有位妻子在丈夫对工作的不断抱怨面前低头了，建议他辞职。不幸的是，他从此开始了18个月的无业游民生活，几乎让他们的婚姻触礁。咨询师建议在这样的情况下要迅速采取行动，获得外部帮助。职业顾问能提供指导意见和第三方的观点，让婚姻中的矛盾降温。可以在www.coachfederation.orgwww.iacmp.org或www.ncda.org这些网站上查询到咨询师的名录。此外，你毕业的高校有时也会提供价格低廉的职业指导和资源。读者朋友们，你有没有发现什么好方法帮助陷入职业危机的另一半？还是大部分工作上的问题都太棘手，难以在婚姻生活中解决？你会给这些夫妇什么建议呢？Sue Shellenbarger


A California wife wrote me recently about getting stuck in one of the most frustrating backwaters of marriage: What do you do when your spouse is stalled in a career crisis, and nothing you say or do seems to help?Her husband, a professional in a shrinking industry, has been laid off repeatedly and just got slammed again by the latest in a series pay cuts. He keeps promising to train for a different career, but instead just sits at home browsing career books. 'I'm getting frustrated with his endless dreaming and inaction,' the wife writes. 'Should I just shut up and let him dream on, or should I try to encourage him, or discourage him, or …?'Or what? Too often, a spouse tries to double as a career coach when an employee's job hits a dead end. This only creates marital strain when the dead-ended partner fails to respond. The spouse also has a big stake in any family financial problems caused by bad career choices, widening the gulf between husband and wife.Few couples seek counseling for job-related marital problems, but more probably should. The California wife is so angry and frustrated with her husband that she seems to have lost respect and affection for him. Research shows that when those warm feelings are blocked, a marriage can go downhill quickly. John Gottman, an author, researcher and emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington, has found that marriages are far more likely to break up when positive exchanges between couples, such as humor and affection, are eclipsed by negative ones, such as criticism.Such examples are mounting fast. Another wife told me recently that her husband is burned out on his job and wants to retire, but the family can't afford it. This wife is trying to be helpful, suggesting additional training or a transfer. But her husband isn't taking her advice and just keeps complaining instead, making her increasingly annoyed. Another wife I know gave in to her husband's incessant complaints about his job and suggested he quit. Unfortunately, this touched off an 18-month stretch of joblessness for him that nearly wrecked their marriage.Therapists advise moving fast in such situations to get outside help. A career counselor can provide coaching, leads and a third-party perspective, taking the heat off the marriage. Directories can be found at www.coachfederation.org; www.iacmp.org or www.ncda.org. Also, the college or university from which you graduated will sometimes provide reduced-price career coaching and resources.Readers, have you found good ways to help a partner mired in a career crisis? Or are most job problems just too hot to handle in a marriage? What advice would you give these couples?Sue Shellenbarger